INT. WEBSITE - NOW

A poorly designed, cluttered website bereft of traffic. KURT (30’s, confident) appears.

 

KURT

Drink it all in. The IMDB link, the twitter widget, the “basement of a retirement home” color. I’m a professional writer and, as is evidenced by this website, a deeply creative person. Welcome.

 

There are only two reasons someone would come to this site. 1) You’re an ex-girlfriend or enemy hoping to find a chink in my armor. Unfortunately for you I’m doing very well. My career is terrific, I am in a wonderful marriage with terrific kids. I’m happy despite what this picture of me being taunted by Captain Morgan in front of a statue of Captain Morgan might suggest. So beat it.

(Clears throat)

The only other reason you could be here is that you want to pay me to write a television show about you and your dogs. Writing a workplace comedy about you and your two giant schnauzers is what I do best. “Schnauzit Going” will be a rewarding project for both of us so please get in touch by “clicking” the modern “contact” button. I can’t wait to work with you!

Kurt leaps into the air and onto a dragon’s back. The dragon then leaps onto a motorcycle and rev’s the engine.

 

KURT

See what a great writer I am?

The dragon winks as it peels out on the motorcycle, spraying gravel. Three Dog Night’s “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog” kicks in, way too loud. It hurts your ears.